Warning - if you are looking for motivation, inspiration, something happy or funny, today's post will not be for you. I feel a venting, whiny, pity party coming on.
I'm in a bad place today. Yesterday I posted that I am having a weird week, but I didn't mention one of the things that is bothering me because it's very personal and it seems petty and superficial. I read blogs about amazing weight loss stories from people that have lost a lot of weight, really gotten healthy and completely transformed their lives. I usually find them to be so inspirational! I really enjoy reading each story. Whether you've lost 100 pounds or 5 pounds. Whether you run 30 miles a week or struggle to get on the treadmill for 5 minutes, I normally love to hear about your accomplishments. This week has been a little different. I'm still reading your blogs and I'm still happy for everyone and what they've done, but I don't feel happy about where I am.
If you've read my earlier posts, you know that my initial motivation for losing weight was that I was unhappy with the way I looked. I am going to be 39 in a couple of weeks and I just didn't want to turn 40 and be overweight. I wanted to look and feel better than I did. Right now, I don't feel better about the way I look. I feel worse. I told my husband a couple days ago that I wanted my 20+ pounds back. That if I could go back, I'm not sure I would do this again. He told me that I didn't mean that. Part of me did mean it. 20 pounds ago, things were bigger, but they weren't as saggy as they are now. When I look at some parts of my body, I'm not even sure if what I'm seeing is more fat or extra skin. I don't know if those areas will even tighten up or if that's just how it's going to look (which by the way, isn't pretty).
Then there is my favorite. My chest. I have joked about it and written funny posts about it, but it's now gotten to the point that it's really bothering me. When I was heavier, I still had times when I felt pretty or sexy. I don't feel that way now. I feel healthier and I feel stronger, but I don't like the way that I LOOK. I am really struggling with this. And I'm not whining because my double D's are now B's. I seriously don't even need a bra anymore. I was never big, but now I feel like I have the chest of a 12 year old boy. That is not a good feeling. I know it's petty and I know it's superficial. I know that it's my body image issue that is causing this feeling, but I am not sure how to fix it. I didn't have body image issues before. I mean, we all have our insecurities, but I never had anything like this.
I'm not sure where I go from here. Part of me just wants to stop worrying about diet and exercise all together. Have you ever tried to fix something or clean something and you realize that you are only making it worse? Like pulling a thread on a sweater. Sometimes when you pull it, the sweater starts to unravel and you end up with a ruined sweater. You would have been better off if you never pulled the string in the first place. Part of me thinks that I've worked really hard to get to where I am and I'm so close to my goal that it would be silly to stop here, that I might as well see this through and then decide what I want to do.
Maybe I'll feel better about this in a few days. I think I'm going to keep on the diet and work out all weekend and then re-evaluate how I feel on Monday. Thanks for letting me vent. I needed that!
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